I can remember a time years ago when Mila gave a P200 donation at the post office near to our old office for someone’s despedida (going-away) party. Never lost any mail after that, and they always texted us when there was mail waiting for us! And we give the occasional excess bunch of bananas to the guardhouse at our residential estate. The guards can never do too much for us. So limited generosity is sometimes more effective than the more lavish displays!

By contrast? We’ve had others where we’ve taken in their kids, paid for university tuition, or paid vast sums to get them over illnesses which would have killed them otherwise. Response? Keep sticking the hand out, and show no gratitude at all. There are people out there who literally owe us for the lives of their children, and they’ve never managed even a simple THANK YOU!   

Why is this? Let me tell you, it’s something I’ve spent a long time pondering. It regularly amazes me, but I think I have the gist of it:

You have the contrast-thing. Very much! Some people are just lousy people, and if you look into how they’ve treated others over time you realise you’re not the first victims of their bad attitudes. And there’s not a thing you can do about people like that, other than to avoid them.

The other issue? It comes down to the illusion of the “money tree” which us rich people all have growing out back! People who are less well-off see all that we have, and see us holidaying overseas, buying houses, etc and assume that we didn’t have to work hard for what we have. And when you couple that with characteristic westerner modesty and the “No, no….it’s nothing!” approach to generosity, and we can give the impression that it really is “nothing”!

I will go out on a limb here and state that many people here are poor not just because of “the economy”, but also because they are the sort of people who would always be poor no matter where you put them. Some people are not deep thinkers by nature, and are happy with simple concepts. This sort of person will easily assume that any sacrifice we made for them is actually no sacrifice at all, due to us making very little fuss about giving it and due to the illusion of the stack of money we have in the corner. Why be grateful for what appears to be the crumbs off our plates?

We’ve had household helpers here who have used so much washing powder that it was still left in the clothes at ironing-time. Why? “They can afford it!” We’ve had kids lose gold earrings and not care because “They’ll just buy me some more.” We’ve had kids treat our place more like a hotel than as a home, because of the abundance of generosity. They’ve never noticed any sacrifice of time, money or emotions on our part, because we’ve never made an issue of what we gave. And we had a driver who wanted to borrow money off us for the medical needs of his mother. One of our other employees asked why he didn’t ask his working brother and sister to contribute? “Oh, because they have families to take care of!” Apparently we don’t and that didn’t apply to us, because of our money-tree. See what I mean?

What should you do?

Limit the generosity, as I said. Don’t go over the top, and stick to the actual needs rather than the fluff. Provide the school fees, but don’t add transport costs and pocket money as well. Don’t give open-ended “Sure, anytime!” responses. And consider expecting something in return, if appropriate. Babysitting, ironing, etc in exchange for school fees. And delay decisions to be generous until after you and your wife “discuss it” and “check the budget”, etc.

And be aware of those lousy walang hiya people who use everybody and give back nothing. They may be family, and they may be non-family. Don’t be deluded if they turn out to be close relatives or even step-kids. Avoid them if your asking-around shows that they have a history of this, and offload them quickly if they show themselves to be users and abusers. Be aware that people who know them may not always be in a hurry to tell you the truth too, so don’t believe everything that you hear.